The Single Girls' Club

Being single. Two words that can evoke a whirlwind of emotions, from excitement and freedom to loneliness and societal pressure. Let's be real, it's not always rainbows and spontaneous solo trips to fun cities in Europe. Sometimes, it's messy, it's challenging, and it can feel like you're constantly swimming against a current of "shoulds" and "when will you settle down?" questions. It leads to endless comparisons to friends, family, and, if I am being honest, people on social media and random happy couples that I pass in the street.

If you're feeling the weight of singledom, know this: you are not alone. And more importantly, your worth is not defined by your relationship status. I became single in October and it has definitely set me back in more ways than one, however I feel like I am slowly starting to wade through the river of sh*t and see the other side. The phrase I keep using throughout my dating life is ‘peaks and troughs’; there will be both, and progress is far from linear, so the acceptance of the troughs as well as the peaks is key. The troughs can be vast and last for what feels like an incredibly long time, and the feeling of loneliness is one that persists. 

Even the most independent women will experience moments of loneliness; it’s natural to crave connection and companionship. Even when surrounded by my closest friends, I cannot help but compare myself to them and their gorgeous relationships, and the fact that I do not have one. I know that this comparison is all in my head, and no-one else is thinking about the fact that I am there on my own and without a partner, but it’s a feeling that quietly permeates my thoughts and seeps into many social situations, which I hate.

I really hate it. 

I hate that it bothers me, and I hate that I feel like my worth is determined by whether I have a man sat next to me in the Sunday night pub quiz. But in my head it does, and if I am feeling it, there will definitely be others that feel the same. 

However, loneliness does not equal weakness. It is perfectly fine to feel lonely, and there are many people that feel lonely whilst in a happy, secure relationship. Comparison, whilst not being the healthiest, is something that is sort of inevitable. It can sometimes feel like you are falling behind, or that something is ‘wrong’ with you. But your timeline is your own, and life is multifaceted; a relationship is just one part of so many elements of you. There are so many other components to your life that also are a part of you. Being single is not your identity, and success leans on so many other things than just whether you are in a relationship or not. 

This is a hard thing to accept, particularly when being s

ingle is so much more expensive than being in a relationship. Being single can come with quite a hefty price tag, particularly if you are living alone, which makes the financial burden of being on your own so much more apparent. 

‘Singles Tax’ is a growing issue, particularly with the cost of living crisis we find ourselves in. The website UK Debt Expert explains that “being single could mean you fork out, on average, more than £10,000 a year compared to homes with two or more adults.”

Even the little things can soon add up: streaming services, holidays, insurance, even new cushions all contribute to the idea that being alone stings financially as well as emotionally. Now, it goes without saying that I love living alone. I love coming into my own house, in my own space, knowing that any mess is my own and the only person I can be annoyed at is myself. I love the freedom of being on my own, but the frustrations lie with the fact that it is just so much more expensive to do life on your own. 

Now, it is easy to sit and dwell and moan and get upset about where I find myself at the age of 29, and believe me I have done plenty of that. However, with being single comes freedom, and I will forever appreciate the fact that I really only have myself to think about. 

Just me. 

Understandably, this is far from the case because I do have to think about my family and my friends, but in terms of my immediate decisions that seem frivolous and nondescript, I just can be selfish. Go out for coffee and read my book in peace? Done. End up staying out with friends for hours longer than planned and drink too much wine? Easy decision. Want to go to bed at 8pm? Easiest yes ever. At no point have I had to consider how my decisions will affect someone else, and this is something that I am very grateful for. 

My friends and family are the core of my whole being, and I feel so unbelievably lucky to have such a solid circle of love around me. Creating meaningful connections is something that is essential for us all, but it also looks different for everyone. You may have one really close friend, or you may have a large group of friends. It doesn’t matter. Just like a relationship, friendships look different, and what works for one person may not work for someone else. It is all about what works for you. Either way, friendships are key, because who else are you going to download your latest date to?! 

Now, when you read articles or instagram posts about being single, they always centre around ‘self love’ and ‘learning to love yourself’, and honestly every time I see it it makes me roll my eyes and swipe on. However, I hate to say it, but they are right, and this is the next mountain I have decided to hike up. I have never been a person that has much self confidence, and that goes hand-in-hand with feeling undeserving of someone to love me or think that I am sexy or beautiful or clever. Ru Paul said it perfectly: 

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"

So this is the new focus for me in 2025. Learning to love me for me. Not the me who can fit into that dress in 6 months time, or the me who only feels nice when fake tanned, or the me who never says silly stuff when drunk. The me in the now. I currently have no clue how I am going to do this, and by no means do I expect to wake up one day and feel amazing, full of love and ready to take on the world, but there are small steps that I have already started to take that I hope will make an impact, like drinking less alcohol, being more active, and taking time to do my skincare routine properly. They may seem small, but they are cumulative, and I am hoping will make a difference. I am deserving of being proud of my successes, however small, and being able to look in the mirror and not feel horrified by what I see. I deserve to feel deserving of love. 

Now I could finish this by writing something cheesy about how being single is about the journey, not the destination, but no-one really wants to read that rubbish. Because it is hard. No-one is questioning that. But there is a certain power that comes with being on your own, and that is something to cling onto with all your might. 

Everyone deserves love, and that may come in the form of a romantic partner, but it absolutely MUST come from yourself as well. 

Happy self-loving ,

Love Emma x

https://www.theguardian.com/money/2024/oct/05/the-solo-penalty-from-rent-to-holidays-being-single-is-costing-me-12000-extra-a-year